Catholic Codes

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to
non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass.

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Johan: The original "Jaws" story.

Justice: When kids have kids of their own.

Kyrie eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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